When was the last time you pranked someone really good? I’m sure there are plenty of people you know who deserve it. Why wait until April Fool’s Day? Everyone is expecting that. There are other holidays that will work even better. Christmas is one of them. 

Christmas is the perfect time for giving, and the greatest thing you can give someone is an envelope full of sweet revenge. Think of that one person in your life who has wronged you (there are probably a dozen). If you have their address, you have the power to get them back. Don’t stand under their window, or up in a tree, late at night like some creepy weirdo. Send them a card! 

People love getting envelopes in the mail that aren’t bills. They’ll be so happy to receive a card from you, they’ll instantly feel bad about treating you like dog crap. That is, until they press the button in the card, and a silly Christmas tune plays for hours and hours and hours, with no way to stop it, aside from burying it in the backyard under two feet of snow. If you’re worried about retaliation, you can send the card anonymously, and they’ll wonder “Who is this amazing person who thought of me during Christmastime?” They’ll have such a big, stupid smile on their face, just like Santa Claus. Until they discover they’ve been fooled, extra hard, like all the kids who believed in the jolly old fat man. 

This works great for all of the Grinches out there. Think about that crabby guy or gal whose blood begins to boil when they hear Christmas music on the radio in November. Wouldn’t it be great if the next time they’re walking back from their mailbox, mumbling “Bah humbug” to an empty room, they rummage through their junk mail to see a holiday card with their name on it? Oh, the joy they will feel when they open it up, press that button, and a lovely X-mas carol starts playing. On a loop. For a hundred and eighty minutes (at least). 

Some folks will no doubt enjoy this card because of the music. That may sound a bit kooky, but those people really do exist! If they like Christmas music, they’re going to love this card. It’s basically a portable radio. If they don’t like Christmas music, well, they will have to learn to. Or be driven to the brink of insanity once and for all. Their choice. 

If the idea of forcing some grumpy sucker to listen to music they hate for three or four hours straight isn’t satisfying enough, you also have the option of putting glitter in their card (at no extra cost). If the yule tide ditty drives them so mad that they tear the card in half, they will be treated to a nice, shiny surprise. 

Glitter is basically a human being’s number one enemy. You can throw away a greeting card pretty easily, but you can’t just throw away glitter. It can take weeks, sometimes months, to completely remove glitter from your skin and clothes. One night, your mortal enemy might be getting ready to head out to a wedding, or a holiday office party, thinking they’re looking as fly as can be, but wait - what’s that? There’s glitter in their eyebrow. There’s even some in their beard. How did it get there? Joker Greeting cards, that’s how. Merry Christmas. 

All other holiday cards have boring words inside of them. Or barf inducing verses about snowy nights, mistletoes, and cherishing your loved ones. Give me a break. If they even play a song, it ends when you close the card. That’s lame. This is the card that keeps on giving. Whether the recipient wants it to or not. It’s certainly something they will talk about for a long time, either with their grandkids, or with their therapist. 

[written by Alan Ritch]

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Written by Travis Peterson

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